Let me tell you the story of an old poet fart.
The movie opens up with an old fart. He is a poet and author. He isn’t happy when he looks in the mirror and sees how old and wrinkly he has become. He wants to feel young again, but that won’t happen. And can someone please give him something that will make him grow some hair downstairs? For Christ’s sake!
He has an assistant who is a sort of protégé who has just published his new book. The book is a bestseller.
The old fart comes home, and on his porch, he discovers a young girl who is sleeping in his chair. His assistant asks her what she is doing here, but she never gives a clear answer. Then she leaves. And you can see that the old man is feeling young again.
His assistant cooks terrible food and does housecleaning for the old man. He tells the old man that he is going to write a new book, and he wants to concentrate on the book.
He tells the old man that the young girl who was sleeping in his chair can start working for the old man. The assistant gave her a lift, and he talked to her.
The old man is so happy and creepy, and he waits for her as a serial killer would wait for his victim. She walks in and greets him. Time to do some housecleaning, woman. That’s why you are here, and that’s why you are born.
The old fart is enjoying the view, and you want to punch him hard in his stupid face. Look at him! But I also enjoy the view. Oh yeah!
The girl wants to have her skirt higher so she can show more legs. Is she a kinky pervert who is trying to seduce the old fart? And now he tells the girl a boring story about pencils. Come to think of it. The man looks like an eraser pencil himself.
He tells her a poetic story about pencils and a school bag. Can someone please find a plastic bag and wrap it around his head and choke him out? Look at that eraser pencil head! Die old man, die! Oh, sorry!
Look at what he did to this poor girl. He’s trying to brainwash her and make her become a member of the pencil head clan.
The doorbell rings, and it’s the girl who is standing outside his door, all wet. She had a fight with her mother, and she wants to stay the night.
The old man dries her clothes with a hairdryer while the girl tells him a boring story about a bird. And then he stares at a spot that is forbidden for old farts while the girl tells him a story about a pencil sharpener.
Oh no, he dropped her shirt because of her sexy toes. She got too hot for him with her sexy pencil toes! Watch your blood pressure, you old fart!
When the old man wakes up, he finds her under his blanket! He discovers that she has a tattoo on her chest. His assistant is coming, and he panics. He sprint’s down to his office, to hide together with the other eraser pencils. Will someone spot him, or will someone use him as a pencil?
The assistant discovers the young girl coming out of the old fart’s bedroom. He doesn’t look happy.
The girl makes breakfast, but the assistant doesn’t like her. He tells her what the old fart likes and doesn’t like. But the old fart eats the breakfast she made him, and the girl is so happy. This is what you call drama!
The assistant tells the girl that she is fired and that she won’t get any more money working for the old fart. She tells him that the old fart has given her the house key and asked her to come two times a week to do housecleaning. This will not end well.
The assistant starts bullying the girl, and she drops her mirror. She is so upset since her mother gave her the mirror for her birthday, and the assistant tells her he will buy her a new one. But she refuses his offer.
There’s only one man who can get the mirror, and that is the Spider-Eraser Pencil Man. Look at the old fart. He is a show-off. The girl hugs her Savior and lord. Give me a hallelujah!
The girl wants to show him how she makes the fake tattoo. The old fart is enjoying this moment. He is in heaven, and now he dreams, or the old fart fainted because of high blood pressure. He dreams dirty dreams about the girl, and that he is a young man again. Suddenly he wakes up, and reality hits him in his eraser pencil face. Now he has the same fake tattoo as the girl. It can’t get any creepier than this, can it?
The old fart finds his brother, an eraser pencil, and starts writing again. He writes about the girl and his dirty fantasies. His assistant also tries to write a new book, but he has problems coming up with new ideas.
The assistant asks the girl to come over to his apartment because he is sick and he needs medicines. He is not sick. He is just sick in his head. He asks her what she wants with the old man, and she gets angry at him, and he attacks her. He attacks a girl! She then tells him about what the old man told her about him, and that he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. It also turns out that the old fart went to prison. When he was in prison, he learned how to repair cars.
She tries to move a treasure chest belonging to Jack Sparrow, but the assistant doesn’t allow her to move the treasure chest. He is shocked when she tells him that the old fart has started writing again.
They are laughing and playing, but then suddenly, the treasure chest falls over, and the assistant discovers his mentor’s new dirty short story. He doesn’t believe his own eyes.
The old fart and the assistant are having dinner with some book worms who are a boring bunch of idiots, just like the eraser pencil head. They are talking about building a museum, but the old fart wants to leave because the girl is waiting for him at another place.
They drive to a café and drink some tea, and he turns on his eraser pencil charm.
The assistant reads the old fart’s short story, and he puts it back in the treasure chest. But he can’t let it go, so he steals it! What is he going to do with the short story?
The old fart is fixing his car, and one of the people he had dinner with comes for a visit. The man tells him about his assistant and his newly published short story, and the title of the short story is the girl’s name. The old fart runs back to his house and opens up his treasure chest and his short story is gone! He takes his car and drives to a bookstore where he finds a magazine, and he reads the short story.
It’s the day after, and the assistant finds the magazine on the old fart’s table. He knows what’s going on and that he has been caught.
He tells his mentor that he couldn’t let the short story go to waste, and his mentor tells him he is a thief. And here comes the shocking news. It was the old fart who ghostwrote the assistant bestseller book!
They are arguing, and the old fart slaps the assistant in the face with his slipper when the assistant tells him the truth that he is a pervert. The old fart tells him he has no talent. He threatens him with his deadly iron claw, and even Jackie Chan would have been frightened and backed off. Suddenly the girl shows up, and she runs off. This turned into a freakshow.
The girl returns to the old fart’s house, and she wants to talk with him. She can’t concentrate when she’s at school, and she is so sad, and her soul is hurting. But the old man won’t let her in. The girl finds the magazine, and she reads the story. She runs off into the night like she’s one of The Lost Girls.
The assistant has a visitor, and it’s the girl who’s waiting for him at his apartment. She asks him if he wrote the short story, and he doesn’t deny it.
The assistant and the girl is sitting in the car waiting for the bus to come. The bus leaves, and they kiss. He tells her he is Mr. Lonely. She leaves the car. Nothing more happened.
Then the assistant gets the message that his short story has won the annual literary award. It’s time to receive the award. The old fart comes walking in, and the assistant didn’t expect him to show up. The old fart holds a speech that is long and boring, and he talks about the short story. There is no drama at all.
Time has passed, and the girl is outside and congratulates the old fart on his birthday. After a while, he opens up the door and lets her in. The traitor also shows up to celebrate the old fart’s birthday, and he is allowed to stay. They eat and drink, and they are having a good time. But the assistant drinks too much, and he talks too much. His inner demons come out. He talks about his success, but he’s projecting. It’s time to stop the party and go to bed.
The old fart hugs the girl, and you sense a moment of creepy chemistry between them. The girl pretends to leave the house, and her enormous feet walk down to the basement where the assistant is trying to sleep. I can’t get those giant feet out of my mind!
The old fart wakes up and sneaks down to the basement where he hears voices, but he can’t see anything. So he goes outside and uses a ladder to see what they are doing. And what he sees is shocking. The assistant and the girl are having a good time, and he is not invited! But he can’t stop watching. The eraser pencil head is a creepy watcher.
The night isn’t over, and he works on his car which will create chaos in his life. The assistant finds that one of his tires is punctured, and he borrows the old man’s car. He has taken the bait.
The old fart wakes up in a panic, but it’s too late. His assistant is having problems with the steering. He can’t control the car, and he crashes. He takes the car to an auto repair shop, and the mechanic tells him someone has loosened an important part that controls the steering. The assistant gets a wake-up call, and he understands the old fart tried to kill him!
He is driving back to the old fart’s house, and he is furious. He is going to slap the eraser pencil face in the face with his shoe and maybe strangle him. The old fart is at the same time burning some notes. But the assistant makes a grave mistake. He loses control of himself and the car, and the car rolls down the hill, and he dies! He was such a loser in life.
The girl is at school and gets a phone call. She is upset. How could this happen? No! No!
Time paces by, and the girl visits the old fart. He has lost it, and he lies in his bed. The girl talks to him, but he never mutters a word. He has become an alcoholic, and he farts in her face. She tells him a boring story about her mother. She can’t stop talking, and she knows it was he who wrote the short story. She cries, and he listens. She thanks him for making her so pretty in his story. Goodbye, old fart, she whispers, and he cries. Goodbye, he whispers back, but she never heard his words.