A North Korean moron must escape from China after getting into trouble, and he ends up in a worse place than North Korea and China, namely the dump we call Belgium. I forgot that Belgium is a country that still exists, and I’m not kidding!
The moron never catches a break. In Belgium, he meets a Korean girl who is just way too hot for this bowl-cut moron, and she carries her own demons. Will these two sad clowns save each other, or will they end up dragging themselves and the other down to hell? Wait, they are in Belgium, so they are already in HELL!
“My Name Is Loh Kiwan” is a confusing movie where we follow one of the worst morons I have ever encountered, and I’m talking about that bowl-cut idiot from North Korea who is responsible for his mother’s death. What a stupid idiot! I have to give him credit for that; he’s a survivor, though. He is a simple man, but he knows how to survive, and he’s not asking for much. So he seems like a good person, but man, he’s still a stupid person who doesn’t know the word “danger”!
So after fleeing China, he ends up in the dump and hellhole we call Belgium. He tries to get permission to stay in Belgium. What the hell is wrong with this guy? But he must first prove his identity and convince them that his sad sob story is true.
All the people he meets in Belgium are white devils who beat him up and hate him. So, this is yet another stupid “all white people are EVIL!” Oh, go to hell, you fishing racists! You are just jealous because we don’t like the sun that much, so our skin is so beautiful. And no, you are not getting my beautiful white Viking skin! It’s not for sale.
In Belgium, the North Korean idiot meets a beautiful, sad woman who has a connection to the white underworld of Belgium, and she owes a gangster a lot of money. She was a good girl, but then a person close to her died, and she started hanging out with white devils and using white drugs. There is a small spark between these two, but are they meant to be together, or will their past come back to haunt them or the white Belgian devils?
The problem with this movie is that it tries too much to be dramatic, and it’s also pretty racist against the white people of Belgium. I love being white! It feels so good just taking in all that white snow in the winter to keep my skin so white and beautiful. Oh yeah!
The two leading actors are good though, especially Choi Sung-eun, who plays the sad woman who’s out of control. She can’t control herself when she gets upset. I’m looking forward to seeing her in more movies.
I didn’t like the stupid and forced gangster plot. It didn’t belong in this movie, and it felt like I was watching three different movies and one of the movies is racist. And that’s not cool! The movie should have toned down the forced racism, and it should have removed the stupid gangster plot so that the movie and story felt more realistic.
There is a cute story here about redemption, but “My Name Is Loh Kiwan” is a movie that is afraid of boring the viewers, so it adds a lot of unnecessary ingredients into the soup that makes it taste like a big spoon of cliche. It should have kept it straight and simple and maybe had a Jean-Claude Van Damme cameo where he was walking down the street like John Travolta and doing a split or two and shaked his ass walking into the sunset. Oh, that would have been so cool!