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Snake Eyes (2021) – English Review

A boy who has now turned into a man is out for revenge. Someone killed his dad right in front of his eyes. This leads him to Japan, and there he will be trained by a ninja clan. Will he use what he learns to find and kill the man who killed his father, or will he let his anger vanish?

Oh my God, every time Hollywood tries to make an Asian movie, it turns into a disaster. White devils, stay away from Asia! You disgrace us!

And when a movie like Snake Eyes doesn’t have the biggest budget, they always find some soulless actors from the deepest hell. Where do they find these actors? They have no soul! I’ve experienced this for about 20 years now! It has to stop! Why can’t they use some of the better actors from Asia? Maybe it’s because the actors from Asia know very well that these movies will just stink and tarnish their names. It feels like Michael Wong has possessed these actors. He isn’t done tormenting me, that bastard!

We see the origin story of Snake Eyes. He’s played by the guy from Crazy Rich Asians, Henry Golding. He was charming in that movie. But as Snake Eyes, he stinks! Why in God’s name is he playing an action character like Snake Eyes? I’m pretty sure that he isn’t a trained martial artist. There’s absolutely nothing in him as an action star. He stinks, and he should stick to roles in romantic movies. And he also should do something with his posture. It looks like he has spent too much time in front of a computer screen. And that’s not good for your body and health. He’s like the worst ninja ever! Get a grip man! You should be ashamed. A ninja with a computer neck? What is this shit?

We go from Ray Park who played Snake Eyes in the two G.I. Joe movies, to Henry Golding. What the hell is wrong with this sick world?  The ones I like in this movie are Andrew Koji from the TV series Warrior and Iko Uwais. Who the fuck came up with the idea to give Henry Golding the role as Snake Eyes instead of using Iko Uwais? Hello? Is there anyone home? Brainless fuckers! This is so typical Hollywood. They have no clue. It’s no wonder Hollywood soon will lose the number one spot, and I’m looking forward to it. Iko Uwais, who is he? Henry Golding, that’s a man with a lot of action charisma and martial arts talent. What the flying fuck!

I’ve watched the modern G.I. Joe movies, and I didn’t like them. I have no knowledge of the G.I. Joe universe except for what I’ve seen in the movies. But I know when I watch a terrible movie, and this is a turd of a movie!

The acting is awful, and the characters are so childish and empty. This feels like a TV episode where they spent most of the budget on one episode. The story is shit. It’s so empty. We follow a grown-up man who has a mind of an angry boy, and he is out to kill the evil man that killed his father. This is so childish. It can work if the characters have some character depth and if the actors have charisma and talent. But you won’t find any of these elements in Snake Eyes. And where the hell are the pretty women? This movie has no pretty women! This is unacceptable! Where in God’s are the sexy Asian women?

The action scenes are a snooze-fest. And what in God’s name is happening to the world? It’s better to kill the planet than to watch action scenes where they use electric motorcycles! If there’s one thing I demand in action movies and especially in car and motorcycle chases, it’s to hear the engines pushed to the limit. This is embarrassing! There’s no sound coming from the shit they are riding!

Please, don’t make more G.I. Joe movies! None of them have been good, and Snake Eyes should be the last nail in the coffin. This is one of the worst movies I’ve watched in 2021.

Rating: 1/10

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